Genre: MSR and Angst along with big helping of smut.
Rating: NC-17 for sexual content and language.
Summary: During the events of Pine Bluff Variant, we find that Mulder has risked his relationship with Scully for his assignment and as things begin to go bad he fears that he's fast running out of time to set it right again. But Scully has more faith in him than he realizes. This is an expansion on the events of Pine Bluff Variant, an XF episode with more layers (IMO) than it's given credit for. The title is taken from Mulder's line in the episode.

Mulder came awake with a start and the extraordinary dream he'd been having vanished instantly from his conscious mind. Normally a back sleeper because of the confines of his couch, he found himself curled up on his stomach in his bed. He raised his head slightly and looked across the wide expanse of his bed, realizing that he was alone. Not that this circumstance was ever unusual in the least and the fact that he was now wasn't entirely unexpected.

But as he took in the rumpled and twisted condition of the sheets, the slight intoxicating scent lingering on both them and his own body softly reminded him that he'd shared this bed recently.

He laid his head back down as he closed his eyes again, breathing deep and peacefully reliving the delicate memory. Long serene moments passed as he drifted in and out until ugly reality began to intrude, pushing the last of the foggy sleep from his head. Mulder opened his eyes again and turned his head to glance at the nightstand clock. Shit, he had to get his ass moving quickly; it was after 2:30 in the morning and he was supposed to meet Skinner and US Attorney Leamus in about a half-hour. He had vitally important information to impart about Jacob Haley, August Bremer, and the New Spartan's plans.

He pushed himself up off the mattress, instantly regretting the thoughtless motion as the razor-sharp pain stabbed into his left hand and slammed up his arm in spite of the splint. Cursing softly and shifting his weight, he cradled the injured hand in his other as he stared at his splinted fingers a moment. Jesus, how could anything so small hurt so damn much, he wondered feeling for a moment like a big baby. The mild painkiller he'd taken a few hours before had worn off but now that he was no longer pressing directly on the break, the throbbing pain slowly settled back into a low-level ache that was manageable. He would just need another couple of double-strength Ibuprofen to keep the pain at bay so he could get on with what had to be done.

He sat up in bed, absently rubbing his wrists where the restraints his inquisitors used on him had left the flesh deeply bruised. He stretched out his arms to loosen the muscles in his shoulders that now ached again from having pulled against the restraining straps. He also felt a dull pain from where he'd head-butted that bald son of a bitch, but he took a mild satisfaction at that particular ache.

Earlier this night, her touch had soothed his hurt away and even now the memory of it came back so clear. Mulder turned his eyes back to the empty side of his bed as he remembered the look of her skin in the pale moonlight. He could picture it in his mind and recall the feel of it under both his fingers and tongue. In spite of his various aches and pains, there was a new and curious calmness in his heart and he smiled, feeling somewhat foolish even as he did so.

Last night had been inevitable--he'd known that from almost the very beginning, as he suspected she did. Really, in all honesty, the only variable had been the When, not the If. But what would be the cost and had they created more problems? Big fat scary emotional risky problems. The kind of risk that they'd spent the last five spent years avoiding for very different reasons and yet which boiled down to the same explanation. Fear.

Mulder wasn't surprised that he woke up alone and knew that she'd probably even left within minutes after he'd fallen asleep. He knew that she was probably at home right at this moment, lying awake and wondering if she should try to explain it all away rationally when they next saw each other again.

If they saw each other again, he reminded himself.

Mulder's mind turned to the immediate problems that he needed to deal with, his mood darkening as he moved his full focus back to them. Yesterday on the phone and then later, during his interrogation, he'd told Haley that he was risking everything. But it was only just now that he realized what risking everything really meant for him.

He got up and began to prepare for his clandestine meeting with Skinner and Leamus where he'd report what he'd learned during his interrogation at the New Spartan's compound and then try to formulate some plan to stop them.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

At first, the torture applied by Haley's associate hadn't caused Mulder to cower as they'd hoped--quite the opposite in fact. Instead, the driving pain had released a dark rage that surged through his body. He pulled violently against the restraints and the only thing he wanted out of life at that moment was to kill the Nazi bastard who smiled with such smug satisfaction at having caused his pain, knowing that Mulder had no escape.

As it went on, Mulder was finding it hard to concentrate and he fought down the rising panic knowing that keeping his head was the only thing that would keep him alive. By hanging on to his wits, he finally managed to toss out the bone that ultimately saved his life; the idea that Haley had a mole in his own group.

Mulder saw the quicksilver change in Haley's eyes and knew that he'd become useful again. Haley thought he could help him find the mole, someone that Mulder had the feeling that Haley already suspected. But even so, Haley still nodded to the man who had the iron grip on Mulder's hand to finish the job.

The sickening snap of the stressed bone when it finally gave way to the relentless pressure had seemed as loud as a gunshot in Mulder's ears and mercifully, he passed out for just a few moments as the heat flush wave of pain shot through him. When he came to again, he was alone but still tethered to the table. It took him a few seconds to regroup and refocus.

When they noticed that he'd come around, Haley returned to the table and continued to question him at length and in detail about the Federal Reserve schedules, which Mulder truthfully had little knowledge of but indicated he could find out about. But it was soon apparent that Haley was far more interested in was whatever FBI surveillance records that he could get on August Bremer, the man he was hoping to replace as leader of the New Spartans. The interrogation went on most of the day, it became a pattern; they would question him, leave him alone for a while come back and the questioning would begin again. The same questions over and over.

As it went on, Mulder realized this wasn't just another militia gathering illegal arms. These people had a weapon far more lethal than any gun cache, a weapon of mass destruction that could control by the fear of it alone. And worse, they were fucking insane enough to actually use it.

His first thought, long ingrained by habit, was that he needed to get word to Scully somehow the second he got the hell out of here. It actually took him a moment to remember that he couldn't call her, even if he had the opportunity.

He couldn't call Scully. Jesus Christ. He couldn't call Scully.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Wednesday, April 29th
9 a.m.
Dulles Airport, Washington DC

At the same time that Mulder was being interrogated at the New Spartan compound, Scully had boarded an early morning flight to Ohio, traveling with A.D. Skinner. It was a fairly short flight, just a couple of hours, but it seemed endless. She'd had no sleep and it seemed so strange to be working or traveling with anyone other than her partner. She respected Skinner, she trusted him as much as she trusted someone who wasn't Mulder.

But he wasn't Mulder and that was the problem.

Scully sighed deeply and rubbed her eyes as she tried to concentrate on the file in her lap. She was relieved that Skinner had finally chosen to tell her the truth. Of course, she'd given him little choice by her actions. Now she now knew that Mulder was on a deep cover assignment. One that he hadn't sought out or chosen for himself, but one that she knew he'd see through to its end. She now knew that Leamus had used her perpetrate the deception to outsiders, to make the lie more believable. She'd taken an instant dislike to Leamus the minute she and Mulder had been asked to join the task force that she now knew to be bogus, now she knew that instinct had a basis in reason.

More importantly though, she finally understood why Mulder hadn't been able to look her in the eyes when he'd always been able to do so with such disconcerting ease, no matter how difficult and painful the truth that he needed to tell her was. But sometimes knowledge is a terrible thing, and now she was even more apprehensive than she'd been yesterday when she'd merely had dark suspicions that she refused to believe in. In many ways, the truth was worse.

Her initial anger at both Mulder and Skinner for leaving her in the dark had passed. Skinner had his orders from higher up and in turn, he'd told her that he'd "advised" Mulder not to tell her. In Skinner-Speak, that was the same thing as a direct order. Not that Mulder had ever been overly concerned with obeying direct orders, but God help her, she knew how his mind worked and she knew that he didn't tell her because he was protecting her reputation and her career in case it all went bad. And at this point, it looked like there was every possibility that this would all go very bad. Something just wasn't right about all of this. She couldn't place any hard evidence to her feelings--they were simply there and she believed them to be true. Just as deep in her heart she'd known that what had seemed to be the truth about Mulder couldn't possibly be right and that she couldn't possibly have been so wrong about him.

She smiled a little, knowing that Mulder would be amused to discover that she was placing so much validation in her instincts. She didn't often share these feelings with him, after all, she was the rational one. Although, over the course of last year, Mulder seemed to be questioning many of his long-held beliefs, just as she was beginning to grasp on to some of them for herself. It was as though they'd blended and come out separate again on the other side, yet another twist in their already convoluted and ever-changing lives. The only constant was their mutually tacit feelings for the other.

Scully gazed out the window at the clouds. Ohio was only a couple hours flight time away from DC and they would return that afternoon, but she didn't like being so far from Mulder at this critical time. God, she thought suddenly, he didn't even know that she knew the truth now.

The chimes sounded, telling her that the plane was getting ready to land. She had to shake off her concerns and concentrate on the matters before her. Right now, she knew the best way she could help Mulder was to solve the mystery of this bio-toxin and how it was transmitted. Tonight she would see Mulder. Tonight she would tell him that he wasn't alone in this anymore.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Mulder realized hours ago that these bastards did not intend to kill him. At least not while there was the slightest possibility that he might be able to help them accomplish their goals. But that wasn't going to stop them from fucking with him. He knew part of that game was screwing with his head, keeping him off balance, and trying to trip him up. He couldn't see his watch because the leather restraining strap covered it, but the light filtering into the building indicated it was afternoon.

Finally, their interrogations seemed to be over, their questions answered and his allegiance to them seemingly secured in their minds. For now. Haley came over the table and ordered one of the men to release him. He told Mulder to return to the hotel tomorrow with the information. With that, the hood went back over his head then he was driven back to the hotel and dumped off.

At his first opportunity, when he was as certain as he could be that he wasn't being followed or watched, he called Skinner. Instead of his boss, he got his assistant where he found out that the A.D. and Scully had been summoned out of town on an emergency that morning and were not expected back until late that afternoon. Shit, he couldn't call Skinner's cell phone directly because if Scully was with him, he wouldn't be able to talk. During the course of this investigation, he'd arranged to meet privately with Skinner and Leamus by leaving a seemingly innocuous message that only Skinner knew how to translate into the proper time and place. So all Mulder could do is leave a message that would arrange a 3am meeting that night.

Exhausted and in pain, Mulder then drove the 120 miles from Angola, Delaware back to his apartment in Alexandria. His hand throbbed unmercifully and he tried to keep it elevated as best he could as he drove. He seriously considered stopping at Scully's for help, but she might not be back yet and more importantly, he wouldn't be able to explain how he'd received the injury without causing even more problems between them. Scully was a lot of things, but stupid had never been on the list. With all that she suspected already, there was no way she'd buy into any lame-ass excuse he could come up with.

Of course, his behavior was doing exactly what it had been intended to do--make Scully believe in the possibility that he could be dirty and that his long-simmering and hardly secret distrust of the government for which he worked had made him vulnerable to treason. And it was working; during the last week in the few moments that he'd even been able to meet her eyes, he'd seen such disquiet, such questioning. He could see the betrayal in her face and it quietly sliced into his heart.

He'd done his job well.

The charade was absolutely necessary; it was necessary for his safety, for her safety and for the success of assignment. Skinner had been right about insisting that only he and Leamus know he was deep undercover. If things went bad, they would deny all knowledge of the whole matter. They would continue the lie and to the world, it would all just appear that Spooky Mulder had finally completely lived up to his reputation. He was betting his life on pulling this off, but if he didn't, he wasn't about to drag his partner down too; he would do what he could to assure that Scully wouldn't be tainted by his fall from grace.

But God, lying to Scully was just about the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. It turned out to be even harder than he'd thought because, Goddamn it, he cared what she thought of him.

For many years, Mulder hadn't given a damn about much except his own personal quest. He believed what he believed and he didn't give a shit what anyone thought of him, his methods, or his convictions. If the rest of the conventional world thought him Spooky, he didn't care. He'd gotten the dirty jobs done and the cases solved, even if the price he paid was that he lost a little more of his soul with each one.

When Scully had first joined him years ago, he'd fought the idea of her. The story he'd told himself was that he'd done just fine without her, didn't need her, and certainly didn't care what she thought. But much to his own consternation as his respect, and then his love, for her grew he also discovered that he cared deeply what she thought of him. His solitary days were over in that he'd found a true companion and equal in his journey. He'd quietly sought her respect, her affection, and her belief even.

And he knew that he had two of the three.

But now here he was, risking the only relationship in his life that he gave a damn about for this assignment. He was systemically and deliberately crushing all that he'd gained during their years together; killing all the trust she'd given him--all the trust that he'd earned. Even if he succeeded, he didn't know if he'd ever be able to fully repair the damage between them.

But even harder to look at was the knowledge that if he failed, he would die knowing that Scully would believe for the rest of her life that she'd placed her trust in the wrong man.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Scully closed her eyes as the plane descended into Dulles airport. However, when she did so, she again saw the horror in that small movie theatre in Gables Corner, Ohio so she opened them. She glanced over at Skinner and saw that he was staring resolutely out the window, no doubt that his thoughts were walking the same path as hers.

Upon reaching Gables Corner, they'd conferred with the local HazMat team where they were given the all clear to enter the theatre. As they'd wandered the aisles, she felt sickened in her heart as she looked at the hideous remains of human beings. Scully had long since become inured to sight and smells of the dead, but something about this particular setting was very disturbing to her, more so than usual. There was a difference between examining a body on a cold and clinical table in a lab and seeing these people, quite literally cut down where they'd sat in such an ordinary and mundane setting. These people had simply gone to the movies as people did on any given night in Middle America.

They'd once had loved ones, hopes and dreams. Probably nothing big, nothing dramatic and yet they'd become pawns in an evil game. A group of strangers decided that they were expendable and had taken their lives without a second thought or backward glance. But not only had they crushed the lives of the people here in this theatre, but they'd also stolen some of the soul from each of the people who'd loved these victims. The lives of these fourteen people touched dozens of others and all would be affected by this grisly act.

God, these bastards were capable of anything. There was nothing left of human compassion among them if they could do this. Her heart constricted as she thought of Mulder in the middle of this depravity. He was moving among men who could kill like this without warning, without reason. Men who saw only their own twisted cause and viewed all others as merely expendable obstacles to their goals.

She'd looked up to find Skinner staring at the bodies with the same look of horror that she knew she wore. Feeling her gaze he looked up and met her eyes. He nodded just slightly and she knew the same thoughts were passing through his mind. The responsibility of stopping this evil lay at their feet. Please God help them all be up to the task.

As Scully had wandered the rows looking at each decomposing body, she was reminded again how fragile her own existence was and how it could turn on a heartbeat. She thought about how every person here had probably been, at their essence, little different from herself and she couldn't help but wonder how many of them died with words left unsaid or actions not taken. No second chances here. It had happened to them without warning; just as it could happen to her and Mulder.

Scully's thoughts returned to the present as the plane made a smooth landing just as darkness began to fall on the nation's capital and she felt a welcome warmth wash over her.

Tonight she would see Mulder again.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

When Mulder finally reached home, he was exhausted. But as he entered his apartment, he was nearly startled into a heart attack when he suddenly heard Scully's voice in the darkness.

He turned and saw the one person he wanted to see the most and the least in the world as she stepped forward into the soft light coming from the street lamp outside. He kept up his belligerent defense until it became apparent that Scully knew everything. God bless him, Skinner had told her, although he wasn't sure if he should be grateful to or angry with the A.D. But even so, Mulder felt such a flood of relief that he felt almost weak with it although he covered it as best he could.

When she saw his hand, Scully went into her full Doctor Mode, sitting him on the couch and getting an ice pack for his shattered finger. She sat down on the coffee table opposite him as he told her about what had happened to him and all that he knew so far about Haley and the man called August Bremer. Tomorrow he would know what more the Spartans wanted from him, but for right now all he could do was wait for their next move. Scully listened intently and told him all about Ohio, about the horrors she had seen there, and about what these men were capable of. It had been a dark and emotional day for both of them it seemed.

But even so, he felt strangely elated as he felt Scully's gentle hand under his, supporting it as she held the ice in place with the other. She was back at his side. The last week had been one of the most miserable in his life and from the look on her face, he suspected that it had been that way for her too. God, he'd missed her more than he thought possible and amazingly, she didn't even seem terribly pissed off that he hadn't told her the whole story. He wondered what had driven the A.D. to finally tell her himself after practically ordering him not to.

"Did you finally go to Skinner with your doubts about me--is that how you found out?" he asked finally after a few moments of silence between them.

Scully looked up, a little hurt for a brief moment by his assumption that she might have done such a thing. But she saw no accusation in Mulder's eyes, just curiosity and the feeling faded quickly. She had to admit it was a fair question, just as he'd given her good reason to be suspicious, she given him every reason to think she might have gone to Skinner with her suspicions. They'd each played their roles well and apparently he thought that she'd assume the worst about him simply because virtually everyone else in his life always had.

God, people were so wrong about him. The ones who called him egocentric, arrogant, and selfish. Yes, he could be those things. But that was just the top layer and a very thin layer at that, used mostly to deflect. She knew that if he was branded a traitor, there'd be plenty of people at the FBI who would nod their heads oh-so-knowingly and profess that they always "knew" something was up with Spooky Mulder.

But they didn't know shit; they had no idea of his heart, they had no idea what she knew. When she lay dying in the hospital before her cancer went into remission, she'd offered him the chance to save his own life. An egocentric, arrogant, and selfish man would have jumped at the easy way out that she offered--any one of those bastards who denigrated him that would have jumped at it. But not Mulder. He'd been dismayed that she'd even asked him to consider it. He'd do anything to protect her; he'd done so in the past and he's done so again here, even though it meant lowering himself in her estimation.

She shook her head slightly in response to his question. "No, I didn't go to Skinner. When you didn't give me the answers I asked for, I followed you to that motel in Angola. I was on the road behind you when I was cut off and hauled back in to the U.S. Attorney's office. That's when Skinner and Leamus told me how Haley's group had approached you, how you were undercover, everything. Scully smiled a little and shrugged, "I guess they figured it would be the path of least resistance."

Mulder couldn't help but smile a bit in return as he nodded. He should have known that she'd get at the truth one way or another he thought with both pride and relief. Dana Scully didn't take any shit from anyone, least of all him. But the smile faded as quickly as it arrived "I wanted to tell you, Scully," he said softly, his tone apologetic. "But I couldn't."

Scully nodded her acceptance and understanding of his confession. But Mulder needed her to know it all. "I hated what I saw in your eyes when you looked at me. I hated that you thought I would have fallen in with those bastards--what you believed about me."

Looking at his despondent expression, Scully saw that he was seeking reassurance that she'd truly understood the lie and that it had hurt him to tell it. Strangely touched, she looked down and busied herself with fussing with the ice pack for a few moments before she could respond.

"Mulder, the only thing I believed for certain was that something was wrong between us." She looked up at him and tightened her fingers on his good hand briefly and he responded. "I guess...I just had hope in a different truth than the one my eyes were seeing. I guess, I just didn't believe what I saw." She smiled a little then tilted her head and arched her brown, thinking a bit of humor might remove that sad look in his eyes. "I'd certainly think you'd be used to that by now, Mulder."

She watched as he smiled a little because he was expected to, but then moved his gaze away to some unseen spot on the floor. He sat quietly, seeming to be concentrating on something going on in his head and he looked both tired and discouraged.

"Mulder, what is it?" she asked softly. "Tell me."

It was a while until he answered. "What if I can't pull this charade off?" he said finally. "God, what if I fail?"

"We are not going to fail."

He heard the plural in her words, spoken softly but with such conviction, and looked back up to her. Her expression was so very different from just yesterday when he'd looked in her eyes only to see distrust and wariness. When he'd felt as alone as he ever had in the world. Now it was back to "we." Thank God. At her words, Mulder felt a humble emotional relief wash over him, even as he faced new apprehensions. She believed him, but now that meant that she was in just as deep as he was. And if he screwed this up, he wasn't the only one who was going to go down anymore.

He shook his head slowly with a resigned sigh as he looked back at her. "I don't know how you can say that, Scully. To get what they want these bastards are ready to launch a mass slaughter without a second thought. They have the chemicals, they have the knowledge, they have their underground network, and most of all, they have the absolute willingness to kill without remorse. How can we hope to stop them? I don't know that I have any hope left that we can," he said tiredly.

"Oh, bullshit, Mulder," she admonished him with mild exasperation. "Your whole life is about hope. Oh, you cover it up with cynicism or black humor, but you can't make it leave you alone. It just keeps following you around like a puppy."

Surprised at her response, Mulder just looked at her with a questioning expression. "Oh, really?"

She smiled now with gentle affection. "Really. Look, I agree that the situation all looks pretty crappy right now, but you and I both know that people without hope don't survive because the soul dies and then the body follows one way or another. We've seen that." Scully leaned towards him a little, her lips near to his as though sharing a secret. "And your soul is most definitely still alive, Mulder," she whispered with quiet assurance. "So the odds suck--that's when we do best and you know it."

Both her words and her nearness shook him as he looked into her eyes. Even after all their years together, Scully still just surprised the hell out him sometimes with her dead-on intuition about what was going on in his head. Like the time that he'd given her the seemingly dumb birthday gift of the Apollo key chain. She'd understood his heart's intent so clearly that it'd scared the hell out of him and he'd covered up his emotion with a smart-ass response. Now she'd just done the same thing again and, feeling as unnerved as before, custom almost demanded that he respond in the same way.

"Wow, you're good," he said as she gave a small laugh. "When the hell did you become such a philosopher?" he asked lightly, hoping to hide how deeply affected he was, both physically and emotionally, by her pull when she was so close to him as she was now. And he wondered if it was even really necessary for him to try to hide it anymore. After all, who the hell did he think he was fooling? Certainly not her. And he'd long ago stopped lying to himself about his feelings.

Scully had felt him shiver slightly. Yes, it could have been the ice pack, but she really knew that her proximity made him suddenly nervous and something deep in her woman's heart liked that. "It happened when I walked into that basement five years ago," she responded. Suddenly she gave a small nervous laugh of her own as some of Mulder's physical intensity worked its way back to her even as his eyes drew her in close. She sat back a little. "It wasn't in my nature to question such things before then. Now it seems that now all I do is question such things."

Breaking contact with his gaze, she lifted the ice pack from his hand and looked down at his open palm, distressed by what she saw. "God Mulder, this should have been iced and looked at hours ago."

He shrugged a little. "Well I wasn't exactly somewhere I could demand room service," he said with some irony. "They weren't of a mind to be accommodating." She looked up at him quickly and then away but not before he saw that her eyes full of concern again at this dangerous game he was assigned to. He wished that he could put her mind at ease about this whole matter, but anything he said to make it seem less dangerous would be a lie and he was done with that. There was nothing to say to make it better.

For her part, Scully hated being forced into being passive while playing a waiting game. This assignment was making her crazy because while putting their lives on the line was nothing new for either one of them, in spite of her brave words, Scully had a deep foreboding about this duty. And that feeling made her crazy. She was supposed to be the rational one in this relationship…this partnership. And it was true that even after five years together, she still felt as though she had to prove herself. To only let him see her as strong; as ruled by logic and not by women's intuition.

Only she wasn't feeling either strong or logical right now, her intuition spoke only of a foreboding danger to Mulder, and she felt the need to protect him.

Mulder had almost always treated her as an equal, more so than anyone she'd ever worked with. His male instinct to protect still bubbled up but it was just as true that she had to own up to more than a few nurturing and maternal instincts towards him. She supposed it would always be so between men and women, no matter how equal they were, no matter how capable, they wanted to take care of each other. And more often than not, she watched over him just as he watched over her.

Those bastards had hurt Mulder and that made her outrageously angry. She knew that they'd kill him without a second thought the moment they thought his usefulness to them was over. But the bitter reality was that both sides in this dark contest viewed Mulder as expendable. It was clear that U.S. Attorney Leamus, the weasel running this show, didn't give a rat's ass about her partner as long as he got the information he wanted. No one gave a shit about Mulder except her and she could do little to protect him now. This whole assignment was spinning out of their grasp and control and no, in spite of her brave speech, she wasn't feeling in the least strong or logical right at this moment.

Sighing slightly in frustration, Scully gently turned his cradled hand over so that now his large palm rested on top of her smaller supporting one as she applied the ice pack to the backside for a bit. As she held his hand, she felt his thumb curl over her wrist and caress gently, the movement sending a chill having nothing to do with the ice.

Oh God. How could his simple touch do such things to her? Did he feel the small jump in her pulse even as her own fingers responded? She looked at his bowed head, his eyes seemingly fixated on their clasped hands as the familiar, softly dark and intimate urgency settled between them, waiting, as it so often did, for fulfillment or response.

"How's the pain?" she asked softly.

Mulder raised his eyes slowly to hers, he'd felt her blood quicken under his touch. He leaned closer into her space. "I'm fine."

Familiar words delivered with just a hint of smile at the corners of his beautiful eyes. She arched one brow slightly. "Liar."

Mulder now gave a small grin, but didn't contradict her. "Now did I ever say that to you, Scully?" he said in soft, mock-wounded tone.

He was making her nervous, not bad nervous, but that sweetly delicious, nervous anticipation. She shifted her gaze from his hazel eyes to the wonderful small mole on his unshaven cheek, and then to his unique mouth. God, how many times over their years together had she considered what that mouth would feel like upon her skin. She drew deep breath, feeling both lulled and lured. "No, you didn't--but you probably should have," she finally answered as she reached for his other hand, taking it hers. Holding it longer than necessary, she placed it over the ice bag. "Hold this in place a moment, I'll be right back."

She slipped her hand from his as she rose from her seat and headed off towards his bathroom, stopping only to shed her long coat as Mulder watched her go. He stared after her for some time, feeling some confusion over his jagged emotions.

He closed his eyes as he thought about her last words, and it crossed his mind that there were many things he probably should have said, but hadn't.

And he was running out of time.

In the bathroom, having put some needed distance between them momentarily, Scully dug through Mulder's medicine cabinet--a veritable drugstore of medications from his various encounters with emergency rooms over the last year and most of which she could never get him to take. He was always extremely reluctant to take anything that made him feel even slightly out of control. Of course, after the Ronnie Stickland vampire incident down in Texas a couple of months ago, she now had a better understanding of just why he'd developed that aversion over the years.

She selected an milder painkiller that she knew she could badger him into taking. Then, in the cabinet under the sink she found the large professional first-aid kit that she'd given him three years ago now. It'd been something of a joke at the time but during the ensuing years, between the two of them, they'd slowly utilized virtually everything in it. Digging through, she found a bit of tape and something she could use for splints. She brought her bounty back into the living room and sat across from Mulder again on the coffee table. She scooted forward and brought his injured hand back onto her lap as she dropped two pills in his other hand. "Take these for the pain."

Mulder peered at them suspiciously in the dark. "What are they? I don't want anything that's going to knock me out."

"It won't knock you out, or make you out of control, they'll just take the edge off. Take them." She looked up and grinned slightly as she tore off some tape strips for the splint. "I promise--no Chloral Hydrate. I'm not up to another rendition of 'Shaft' tonight."

Mulder shot her an exasperated look. "I did NOT," he insisted again in the same vehement tone that he'd used the last time he denied that story as he downed the pills without water. Suddenly he leaned forward slightly with that winning, charming grin he did so well. "Besides, I seem to remember a rendition of 'Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog' springing from your lips--completely unaided by drugs, I might add."

"You asked me to sing, Mulder," she retorted. "I was only trying to please you."

"Jesus, Scully, if I'd known you were going to do whatever I asked that night, trust me--I could have come up with something better."

Scully dropped her gaze to the injured hand in her lap. Yeah, I bet you could have, she thought, letting yet another Mulder innuendo slide by as she usually did. She removed the ice pack and lightly dried the skin with a towel. She gently felt all the length of his hand and fingers. "Jesus, they did a number on you." She looked up at him apologetically. "I'm going to align the bone back before I splint it. It's going to hurt some more."

Mulder shrugged slightly. "You're the Doctor."

"Well, actually Mulder, I haven't really set a bone since medical school--there's not a whole lot of call for it in my current line of work, you know?"

"Oh, that's confidence inspiring." Mulder gave a small laugh then nodded his OK. "What the hell, go for it FBI woman."

Scully bent over his hand and carefully nudged the small bones back into place as Mulder silently gritted his teeth, talking her way though it to distract him. "I want you to go and get this x-rayed as soon as you can and a real splint applied," she said as she worked the splints into place and began the taping process. "You can tell them you slammed your hand in the car door or something. Don't argue with me, just do what I say for once in your life because I want to make sure this heals properly."

"Yes, Mom," he drawled indolently back at her as she finished with the last of the tape and surveyed her handiwork.

As she looked at Mulder's battered hand, she thought again how fragile the human body really was, how it was so easily broken or destroyed. She ran her fingers gently over the back of his hand, feeling the bones, tendons and muscles, connected together so tenuously, just like people.

She wondered what kind of man could deliberately snap another's bone, cause pain without mercy. As she touched his skin, she wondered at how man's touch could be turned into something that could cause pain and death or deep pleasure and comfort, depending on the man.

She shook her head slightly rousing herself from her reverie. She really must have taken a philosophy pill somewhere tonight she thought. She knew that she probably should at least try to put the feelings that touching him evoked back into their proper box, where she'd kept them safely stored for years.

But right now, sitting here in the darkness with him so very close, she was not at all sure she wanted to put the feelings away because she wanted this man's touch. His beautiful mind had seduced, caressed, and challenged her mind for years. And she wanted his body to do the same for hers. She wanted to know the feel and imprint of him on her skin so badly that she didn't think she could bring herself to look him in the eyes for fear of his seeing. Damn him, he always saw everything, she thought ruefully. She'd been naked before him for years, just not in the physical sense.

"There, all better," she finally said, her voice catching slightly. She cleared her throat and looked up at his eyes.

"You forgot to kiss it," he responded softly, falling back on the safety of their old habit of banter even as he felt the hot flush of craving, acutely aware of the change in the atmosphere between them. He watched in wonder as Scully smiled gently and finally took him up on one of his suggested innuendoes.

Turning his hand over, she placed a lingering moist kiss in the center of his palm, making him run flush and causing him to catch his breath. His un-bandaged fingers curled to graze her face in response as he felt just the tip of her tongue touch the sensitive skin. She then pressed his palm to her cheek, raising her eyes to meet his gaze.

As she looked at him in the darkness, Mulder's handsome face changed and gone was the smart-ass grin and bantering posture. In their place was the combination of confusion and comprehension--and the hunger that matched hers. His lips parted slightly as he searched her eyes and acknowledged the truth that they'd done such a pitiful job of hiding. "All better now?" she asked, smiling and feeling just absurdly happy.

"God, Scully, I--"

"Shhhh, Mulder," she said as she moved forward and softly kissed him into silence, touching his face and feeling him respond without hesitation to her caress, his lips warm and gentle at first. It felt so good, like an ache finally soothed. She broke the kiss just long enough to look him in the eyes, wanting to see his need.

Mulder locked his gaze with hers as he slid his right hand into her hair and brought her lips back to his, returning her kiss hungrily as he felt the jolt of his blood racing deep in his gut, his groin and his head. God, it felt like everything that he'd ever imagined, like everything that he'd ever hoped for with her. His arms moved around her, pulling her against him as he lay back into the couch.

As he pressed into heat of their embrace, his fingers stroked through the red strands of her hair, pushing back it off her face so he could see her take his kiss. He felt Scully's tongue slide into his open mouth to caress him back. He lightly groaned in released pleasure and spoke her name softly in between deep kisses to her mouth and lighter ones to her eyes, her jaw and that sweet spot below her ear where he felt his hot breath cause her to shiver.

But then suddenly she was gone. Mulder opened his eyes as Scully pulled out of his arms and rose to her feet. She stood by the couch looking down at him, pushing her tousled hair out of her eyes and breathing deep. For long moment, he just stared up at her and tried get his mind to form a cohesive sentence. He tried to find something--anything--to fill the heavy silence, something to keep her from leaving. Something that would persuade her to stay.

But to his immense relief her actions apparently weren't prompted by second thoughts because she smiled slowly for him, then reached down to take his right hand. "We need more room, Mulder," she said as she drew him up and off the couch. As he stood looking down into her eyes, he saw how much she wanted him, wanted this between them.

Before heading off to his bedroom, he touched her face and kissed her again just because he could, because there was nothing to stop him. He had no reason for any restraints; he could show her how he felt.

As Scully felt Mulder's tongue stroke against her lips, she couldn't wait for the rest. She took his hands, and led him around his couch to the bedroom. Just inside his bedroom door, she suddenly turned back into his arms, reaching up as he pulled her against him and rocked her gently as he touched his lips along the curve of her neck.

Mulder started to work on the buttons of her suit but found it too awkward with his splinted hand. With a sound of frustration he looked down into Scully's eyes for help; so much for being suave in his attempts to get her naked.

She smiled in amusement as she gently took over, opening the buttons herself. Slowly. Teasing him. When she was done, Mulder slid the jacket off her shoulders and tossed it on the chair behind him. Scully languidly removed the rest of her clothes for him as he watched her every move with hungry eyes, desperately resisting the urge to push her to floor and take her there with no further ado.

But he was also enjoying the show, having played it out in his mind a hundred times over the years seeing it in person was astonishing. She moved slowly, exquisitely torturing him because she knew she could. As she discarded the last layer of clothes, she now stood before him in bra and panties, looking much as she had on that rainy night in Oregon so many years ago. Only instead of the fear he'd seen in her face then, Mulder saw only craving and arousal in her eyes. For him. God. For him.

Since that heady knowledge was almost bringing him to his knees anyway, Mulder decided it was time for some equal torment for her.

As Scully started to unclasp her bra, he reached out and caught her hands in his, pulling them away gently as he leaned against her, backing her up and trapping her between the hard wall and his hard body as he kissed her, filled her mouth with his tongue, stroking and caressing. Stroking and rubbing his still clothed body against hers. Releasing her hands he managed to undo the single clasp of her bra with one hand.

She smiled, "I'm impressed with your dexterity, Mulder."

"Oh really?" he laughed as he slid the straps down and then off her shoulders where the small garment fell to the floor. He bent down to kiss the rounded softness of her breasts, feeling her press up to meet his touch.

"Yes," she murmured as he opened his mouth against her nipple to suckle it. He rolled his tongue over the hardness, nipping gently before moving back up to her lips as he languidly and rhythmically rubbed his hips against hers, a prelude to what was coming a bit later. "Oh, God, yes."

Mulder slowly sank to his knees as he worked his way down her body, tongue stroking his way across her belly, nuzzling his face against the soft skin and leaving a trail of moist kisses as he worked his way downwards. He felt her breathing become more rapid at his touch.

Now kneeling before her, he slid his hands up and down the length of her thighs, stroking them firmly, opening them slightly. He pulled the panties down and off then passed his hands over the soft hair, taking in her clean, unique scent before he pressed his lips and then his tongue deep against her warm center, finding her clitoris. As he held her hips firmly, he began a steady, circular rhythm with his firm tongue as he massaged her lower abdomen with his thumb. Scully made a sharp noise at the first contact and her fingers slid into his hair.

As Mulder heard her quickened response and felt her arch hard against him, it seemed that no one had ever done this in quite this manner for Scully before and something in his man's heart liked that. He grasped her slender thigh, shrugging it over his shoulder, opening her to him further.

She sagged weakly against the wall, making soft moans as she braced one hand on his other shoulder and meshed her fingers into his hair, holding on as he stroked and licked and kissed.

He drew away just a bit, "Is this right?" he asked. "Is this good here? Tell me."

"Yes...yes!" Scully felt she was ready to melt with the heat and she shifted against his exploring mouth. "More here."

At her soft pleas, Mulder increased the pressure and intensity, kneading his tongue hard and exactly where she'd nudged his head to, feeding hungrily against her. He felt her flex and thrust her hips against him in a fucking motion. He slid his long fingers of his right hand easily though her wetness up inside her, filling her, stroking her hard now, inside and out, his driving fingers and tongue eliciting pleasure moans from the woman before him.

He needed this. He needed to feel her shudder with pleasure. He needed to hear it; he wanted to remember this. Within moments, Scully came hard and sharply for him, calling out both his name and God's, although Mulder noted with satisfaction that he got top billing.

As the pleasure spasms shook her, Mulder held her gently now and continued to soothe her through her orgasm, flattening out his tongue and slowing the affectionate friction to a soft rhythm as she came down from her high. When her breathing was restored and she relaxed her grip on his hair, he sat back looked up into her face, noting her flush and he grinned because he knew it had been good for her. "Better?" he teased quietly.

Scully opened her eyes and pushed her hair out of her face as she gave him the most beautiful, almost shy smile. One that Mulder would remember all his life. "Much better, Mulder." She reached down and drew him back up into her arms, kissing him deeply and licking her own juices off his lips hungrily. "That was kind of a first for me," she confessed in his ear.

"But not the last," he promised as he nuzzled into that place where her neck and shoulder met, holding her close, moving against her slowly this time. "Wait, till you see what I can do with two good hands."

She laughed which he covered with a deep kiss and she felt his erection pressing into her, reminding her that as shatteringly good as this was, there was more awaiting them. She suddenly realized that she was fully naked while he still had all his clothes on and the absurdity of that caused her to giggle into his kiss.

Hearing the rather unusual sound coming from her, Mulder drew back and looked at her quizzically. Good God--Scully giggles. Who would have ever guessed he thought affectionately. "You're overdressed for the occasion Mulder," she told him as she reached down to stroke his cock through his pants, feeling the hard length.

He hissed in a pleasured breath as she grasped him. "Want to help me with that?"

She nodded and moved to Mulder's perpetually unmade bed and crawled on top. Turning she beckoned him to come to her. For just a moment, he was unable to move as he took in the vision of Scully sitting naked on his bed in the moonlight. Sweet Jesus, what a sight.

Mulder forgot the words he'd conjured up to say which was just as well because his body had completely taken over control of the reasoning machine. No more thinking and words right now, just feeling, just touching, just emotion. He came to her, standing next to the bed as Scully rose up on her knees before him. She reached up and pulled his jacket off his shoulders, tossing it aside. Grasping a hold of his black T-shirt, she lifted it up. As he raised his arms for Scully to pull the shirt over his head, he suddenly felt a sharp twinge between his shoulder blades from the strained muscles and he made a soft noise of pain.

"What, Mulder?" Scully asked as she ran her hands slowly up his chest to his shoulders, almost giddy at getting to touch his skin finally. She pressed her lips to the hollow over his heart and felt its quickened rhythm.

"Nothing. Just a pulled muscle." Mulder kissed her to stop her from worrying, gathering her against him, and feeling her breasts against the skin his chest for the first time as he smoothed his hand up and down the length of her back.

He felt Scully's hands slide up his arms as she pulled gently away from his kiss. She turned him around slowly, sitting him down on the edge of the bed with his back towards her as he felt her hands begin to stroke and massage his shoulders. As she worked, she kissed the skin on the back of his neck, moving her soft lips down his neck and along his shoulder line. She found and touched the scar she'd left on his body from years ago, finally placing the kiss she'd wanted to back then. She moved back and breathed gently into his ear as she nuzzled her face into his skin and felt the tremors run through him. Scully pressed her hands over his shoulder blades and down against his smooth back. Mulder had the most beautiful back in the world. Sleek and wonderfully defined.

Mulder closed his eyes, drew breath softly through his mouth, and gave himself up to Scully's restorative touch as the sensual indulgence pushed one pain away but caused a deeper ache within him even as she did so. Both the pleasure and the pain felt so damn good.

After long moments, Scully slipped her arms under his and around his chest, pulling him back against her as she nuzzled her face again into the crook of his neck. "All better, now?" she asked. Mulder's answer was to turn his face to take a kiss from her, opening his mouth to hers and bringing her inside. He felt Scully's hand move down his body to cup and stroke against the hardness of his erection through his clothes massaging him firmly as he moaned in pure pleasure this time. "Good, because you're still way overdressed for the occasion," she told him as she went to work on the snap and zipper of his pants.

That elicited another laugh from him and within moments, shoes, socks, pants and underwear were in a heap on the floor as he turned and took Scully back into his arms as he pushed the large pillows up against the headboard and sat back against them, pulling her with him.

She smiled as she gazed down the length of his body. So beautiful, she thought remembering how he made her shake with powerful pleasure just moments ago. God, she wanted him, wanted him to give her that feeling again. But first she wanted to see him lose the same control she had, she wanted to see him lose himself because of her.

She started the journey down his body with a deep kiss, which she moved to under his jaw as his lifted his head to give her better access. Her hands led the way to his chest, playing in the perfect amount of chest hair. She deep massaged his chest, sucking on first one nipple then the other. God, he was making wonderful sounds that she really liked as she felt her own heat rise again. It was all she could do to keep from just begging him to thrust deep inside her. But she wanted to be good to him too, just as he'd been so good to her earlier.

By the time Scully had reached the flat plane of his belly kissing, nuzzling and licking, Mulder was almost writhing and his breath was labored. As much as her touch burned on his skin, all of his nerves, blood and feelings had congregated deep in his cock and balls where she had yet to even visit and he going to fucking die if she didn't get there soon.

Then suddenly her hands were exactly where he wanted them most, followed soon by her soft mouth as she took him deep. Mulder cried out sharply as she began a slow-at-first rhythm that built with hot intensity, her tongue massaging, her lips gliding, wet and sucking. Almost, but not quite, as good as being inside her would feel. Mulder knew that instinctively without even having had the pleasure yet.

Through pleasured narrowed eyes, he sat back into the pillows and watched Scully work his body as his rational mind and primal urges fought a war between holding back to prolong the sensation and rushing headlong into that void that promised relief from the sweet pain.

Scully felt Mulder's hand on her back, gently stroking, following her movements. She could feel the tightening and the increasing hardness as she brought him closer. Scully knew there was just a small window of time left before he went all the way over and the need for completion obliterated all other thought.

Suddenly selfish, she didn't want this to be done just yet; she wanted to finish this with him inside her. She wanted to look into his face when he came, to see what he looked like. She'd wanted that for years. She'd waited for that for years. She slowly withdrew her mouth from him, hearing the questioning sound he made as she did so and she moved back up his body to touch his face. "Mulder, I need to feel you inside. I need you. Please."

Mulder was momentarily incredulous at her request, but he could see Scully was earnest, as though she might actually think he'd say no or something. He would have laughed but as he gazed at her, her obvious longing for him filled him with a tenderness for her that was overwhelming, backing him away just slightly from the edge he was on.

He touched her face with gentle affection and kissed her sweetly. "There's no where I'd rather be," he said as he drew away with his best goofy-ass smile, which was wiped instantly off his face as Scully took his face in her hands and kissed his passionately in return, taking his mouth with hers. When she drew away he was having trouble breathing, "Jesus, Scully," he whispered, "If you don't fuck me soon, I'm a goner."

She smiled wickedly at she moved over him, bringing him slowly inside as Mulder rested his hand on her hip, guiding her. As she settled her weight, she buried her face in the crook of his neck, kissing along the tender skin beneath his ear. She heard his satisfied moan in her ear. "All better now, Mulder?"

He nodded as he arched his neck as she nuzzled against him and he flexed his hips up, driving his cock deeper within her. "Yes, better now."

She drew back just slightly, caressing his face as he placed wet kisses in her palm, gently nipping and sucking on her fingers. "Oh Mulder, God--you feel so good," she told him, savoring the moment and the feeling of him deep and hard within as she began to move on his body, slow gentle thrusts.

He caressed her breasts, leaning forward to kiss them, covering the nipple with his mouth and sucking deeply before running his tongue over the smooth skin as she made the most satisfying noises. Unthinking, he brought his injured hand up to touch her, and she bumped against it as she moved, eliciting a sharp hiss of pain from him.

Scully took his splinted hand in hers, "Be careful, Mulder." She lay his hand gently out on the bed, as she began harder thrusts against him, fucking him with increasing intensity, as he filled her completely.

Oh God. Sensory overload kicked into place and Mulder felt his control slip away. His head dropped back and he entered that mindless stage where reaching that edge and falling over with her was the only thing in the world worth living for and all rational thought boiled down into short word phrases. Tight. Wet. Good. So damn Good. Scully. Oh God, Scully, bringing him to this pleasure. Now, oh God, now. He felt her hands on his face and he opened his eyes, looking into her eyes as he began to come.

She watched as his orgasm shuddered through his body starting at the place their bodies met and rippling outwards. He had to close his eyes again and turn his head with the intensity of it. His hand dug into her hip as though he could pull her inside himself and he had a beautiful sheen on his skin from sweat. God what a sight. It was exactly what she wanted. He made deep primal cries that excited her even further as she felt his warmth flood up into her. Scully watched the whole thing with deep satisfaction in her heart.

She slowed her movements as he calmed. But he pressed her back just slightly so he could slip his thumb down to where he was buried deep inside her, finding her clit and massaging deeply as he urged her to keep moving against him. He reached up to kiss her as he increased the pressure of his fingers and within seconds she felt the sudden tight orgasm slam though her and a blinding light flashed behind her closed eyes. Mulder covered her cry with his mouth, pressing her lips to his.

She gripped his arms to steady herself. Mulder felt her tremble as he raised his hands and smoothed her hair back from her face, caressing her and then pulling her down against him. Scully collapsed up against his chest as his arms encircled her and they stayed that way together a long time as Mulder stroked his hands up and down the length of her back, holding her against him. Scully's face was buried in the crook of his neck and after a moment, he could feel her softly licking the salt off his skin. It tickled just a bit and he smiled. "Hungry, Scully?"

"No, not anymore," she said as she raised her head to look at him and they laughed gently together, so completely at ease with all this that it surprised both of them.

Scully moved off from on top of him and laid down on her back next to Mulder seeking to relive him of her weight. But he was loathe to let her warmth go and he scooted back down on the pillows until he lay next to her, turning into her arms as she gathered him to her. Exhausting and emotional release flooded him as he lay against her breast, rendering him temporarily wordless, but she seemed not to mind. His thoughts floated tranquilly and randomly.

Mulder knew that Scully was so firmly lodged in the narrow crack in his heart that he'd never shake her loose--not that he'd ever wanted to. She'd pushed the fissure a little farther open each day, seeing more inside than he'd ever let anyone see. Not once had she turned away from what she saw, not once. Just as she hadn't turned away tonight when she'd stepped towards him when she had every reason to step back to protect herself.

But she'd always done that--not just tonight. Tonight they'd finally shared the physical expression of their larger and more complicated emotional nexus. But Scully had always given him what he'd needed most in the world; relief from his aloneness and she became someone for him to care for. He'd needed to care for someone so much.

He felt a deep weariness taking control in spite of his efforts to fight it. He would have to leave soon and he didn't want to waste their remaining time together. He didn't know what would come of them tomorrow. "Scully, I want--"

"Shhhh..." Scully shushed him for the second time that evening, kissing him softly again. "You need to rest." He decided to do as she asked and curled even more tightly against her.

She gazed at Mulder nestled against her as she held him. She looked down her body to where his left hand was splayed across her belly and she watched the gentle rise and fall of his hand with each breath she took. His long legs were tangled with hers and everywhere his skin touched hers was warm.

She moved her eyes back to his peaceful face. His beautiful but so often-sad eyes were now closed and she felt his warm breath from his softly parted lips caress her skin in the soft rhythm of very early sleep. He felt safe and well loved; she knew that because it was just how she felt. She wanted to keep this picture in her mind forever; it might be the only one she would ever have.

Oh God, don't think about that. Not right now. She'd start crying if she allowed herself to dwell on that and Mulder would hear her and wake up. That wasn't the memory she wanted him to have, it wasn't what she wanted either. She just wanted this moment of blissful peace almost as badly as she had wanted his body earlier. Scully shook her head and concentrated on the present and the man in her arms.

She looked down again and dropped a gentle kiss on top of Mulder's hair as she gave a small affectionate smile. She'd never been able to kiss the top of Mulder's head before tonight. God, such a stupid simple thing and yet another first.

Not the last, he'd said earlier. Please, God, let that be true. Please. They deserved more time even though they'd wasted so much. Just give us a little more, she bargained. It won't be wasted. I promise. She couldn't help but wonder how differently they would look to each other tomorrow in the bright light of day. But the foreboding that had followed her for days struck her in the face again.

If there was another tomorrow for them.

She had to go. She'd let all her control slip away tonight just as he had. If she stayed, she wasn't sure if she could watch him walk out that door later without turning into a mess and she knew that Mulder with his completely balls-out openness would find it just as difficult. He needed to be able to continue on this mission with as clear a head as possible. And they could each do what they must if they didn't have to say goodbye face to face.

Their great strength had always been asking more of each other, and not less.

Moving with complete stealth, she lifted Mulder's hand from her body and slid out of his embrace, quite possibly the hardest thing she'd ever done. Mulder rolled more fully onto his stomach as his hand sought what was missing a moment before becoming still on the sheets.

Scully knelt by the bed and looked her fill. Then she kissed his lips softly as he slept and his hand again reached out for her. She placed her hand over his and he went still again. Suddenly she had to say the words even if he couldn't hear them in his conscious mind. She leaned over him, placing her lips by his ear. "I love you, Mulder" she told him so softly that it only sounded like a gentle sigh, a warm breath on his skin.

Turning quickly, she picked up her clothes and took them in the living room where she dressed quietly. She managed to get out the door, out of the building and into her car before she lost the last vestige of her control. Scully broke and cried hot, deep, emotional tears in the dark. She cried aloud about the unfairness of having come so far together to possibly lose it all. She cried about wasted time. She cried all wracking sobs of fear that she hadn't wanted Mulder to see. God what would she do if this all went bad.

It was a long time before she finally calmed down as sheer exhaustion overtook her. Completely drained, she started the car and drove off.

In the darkness, Scully never saw the man sitting in the car down the block who watched and listened.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

The whole situation had veered wildly out of his control, Mulder realized. And there was no righting it back on course. It was over. This was the End Game.

It would be hard to imagine the circumstances getting any worse and yet, incredibly, they had as Mulder stood watching the cash that August Bremer had just dumped onto the fire go up in flames. The cash they'd just stolen. The cash Bremer just killed a bank clerk for. And within five seconds, it all became clear why and Mulder looked around, desperate to find a way to get out, get to a phone, and get a warning to someone. To Scully. He had to warn Scully about the money.

It was then that Bremer pulled a gun on him, telling the group he had proof of his duplicity. Mulder watched in horror as he pulled out a small tape player and turned it on. A moment later he heard the beginnings of his conversation with Scully from the night before. He closed his eyes just briefly against the sound that sealed his fate. No one knew where he was; no one was coming to save him. He was a dead man. Mercifully, Bremer turned off the tape within moments and for one brief second he looked Mulder straight in the eyes before he moved his gaze away, his eyes dark.

And Mulder realized that was the last time he would ever hear Scully's voice.

He was taken over next to the lake where he kneeled in the dirt, waiting with Jacob Haley to die. He waited a long time to die and he couldn't believe how fast his mind was racing, faster than his heart even. Considering and discarding dozens of plans, hundreds of words, trying to find something, anything that would save his life. In the background he heard the sounds of cars coming and going, he heard whispers and shouts. Then suddenly Bremer and the skinhead approached and Haley was set free.

They would only kill one today it seemed.

Mulder was hauled to his feet and they walked him across the abandoned fields. Mulder's mind continued to race out of control. He noticed everything. The muffled sound of their footsteps in the soft dirt that smelled rich and pungent. He could feel his breath and the heavy thud of his pounding heartbeat. The sun was warm on his face in the cool day and there was a slight breeze against his skin.

He looked up at the bright blue of the sky. Blue like Scully's eyes.

When they'd reached the furthest part of the compound, he was ordered to kneel again. Mulder knew why execution shots were to the back of the head --it was so the shooter didn't have to look you in the eyes. Mulder turned and looked at Bremer, staring at the older man defiantly. Mulder knew he would die now--there was no more time for him. But he wasn't going to make this an easy killing for Bremer. He wasn't going to cower or beg so that Bremer could congratulate himself with smug contempt for murdering a cowardly traitor.

It was a long time until Bremer finally raised his eyes to meet his hard gaze. Mulder expected no compassion and didn't see any. But now that he'd won that last contest of wills, Mulder turned away because the truth was, he didn't want the last thing he saw on this earth to be Bremer's face. Mulder slowly sank to his knees and looked up at the blue.

He'd failed. As fast as his mind had raced earlier it seemed to be moving even more quickly as he tried to resolve all his unresolved thoughts.

Oh God, he'd failed, just as he feared he might. They would kill him now. They'd kill him and no one would ever know until it was too late that the bio-toxin was on the money. Jesus God, Scully. She might die. She might die. Oh God, please….

No… wait, that was wrong. Scully would know--he was being stupid, he knew better than to underestimate her. If she hadn't already figured out, she'd realize soon why they hadn't taken all the money in the robbery. Scully would make the connection. Of course she would. He knew she would. She would save the moment by using that astounding mind of hers. She'd finish this for him.

And he would die alone in this field.

He was scared. Jesus God, he was so scared. Please let them dump his body somewhere where it would be found. He didn't want Scully to go through the rest of her life wondering the where and the how. She loved him--he'd heard her say it. And because she loved him, not knowing the truth of his death would eat at her. He knew better than most how not knowing the truth of a thing could darkly color everything you saw or thought or did or said.

Or didn't say. Shit. Three fucking words and he hadn't said them. Coward. He'd known the truth all along. Since the beginning, he'd known and he still hadn't said them. Goddamn fucking coward. Mulder heard the click of the automatic behind him and his breath stopped. What lies beyond this life?

He closed his eyes and whispered the three words of truth for Scully, repeating the benediction over in his mind as he heard the shot ring out and his body jerked violently at the noise.

When he opened his eyes, he saw body of the skinhead laying in the dirt beside him.

He gasped desperately for air and looked up into the face of August Bremer. He met the eyes of a man who'd coldly killed dozens without a second thought or a shred of remorse. An inside operative in so deep that the man was no longer distinguishable from those he spied on. A man who'd become what he'd beheld.

The man who was letting him go. Giving him back his life.

Mulder didn't have the time to wonder about motivations. He crossed the field and just over a small rise, a car was sitting, just as Bremer had said it would be. He recognized it as one of the cars that had been parked in the compound just a while ago--Bremer had obviously had someone drop it there while they'd walked across the field. They'd probably thought that Bremer was going to use it.

Mulder opened the door and slid into the driver's seat. He leaned forward and rested his forehead on the steering wheel a moment, gripping it tightly, still breathing deep and trying to calm his racing heart. God, he didn't have time to fall apart. He didn't have time for this, he had to get to the bank in Harrisburg, and he had to get to a phone. He had to get to Scully. The keys sat in the ignition, waiting for him. He turned it with badly shaking hand and the engine sprang into life.

"Thank you," Mulder said aloud, unsure of whether he was thanking God, fate, or even Bremer for his life. For his second chance. He gripped the wheel and shifted the car into reverse, looking over his shoulder as he backed the car out onto the dirt road.

It was then that he noticed it. Lying on the passenger's seat was the small tape recorder with the micro tape still inside. The one of him and Scully. Mulder suddenly, desperately needed to hear her voice. As he drove, Mulder reached over and pressed the play button. For long minutes, he listened to their soft conversation in his living room. Then he heard the sounds of their first kiss and the more muffled noises of Scully making love to him. There was a long silence and then he heard the sound of a door closing. He heard quick footsteps on the street and recognized them instantly as Scully's. He knew the rhythm of her walk as well as he knew her face, he'd heard it coming down the hallway into his office and his life nearly every day for five years. A car door opened and closed.

It was then he heard the sound he hadn't expected; the sound of Scully crying. Deep, hard, wracking tears for the two of them over what they'd found and could possibly loose. God, it was heartbreaking to listen to and the emotion flooded him as his own eyes filled. Slowly the terrible aching sound faded back into silence.

Mulder popped the tape out and stared at it a moment before slipping it into his jacket pocket as he wondered at what small humanity might have still lurked in the darkest corner of a madman's mind as he'd heard a woman's tears.

Bremer had given him back to Scully.

He'd never know all of the reasons why and right now, he even didn't have time to ponder such things. He had a job to finish; he had to get to the nearest phone. He had to find Scully because the danger wasn't at an end. There was no time for just the two of them right now.

But soon they would have the time. Soon he and Scully would be able to look at each other in the light and decide if they were up to risking everything to honor this second chance they'd been given.

But Mulder had a feeling that after today, they would be.

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The feedback beast loves to be fed comments, questions,
or criticisms at kimerikal@aol.com

My other XF fanfic can be found at
http://chimericalpublications.com/chimerical/fanfic/fanfic.htm

Originally published, June 1998
Revised, November 2001